The Internet: Part I

This is the first piece of a four part series submitted by guest blogger Asher Lovy.

A Day in the Life of an Internet Person

Let’s face it, what else is there to do first thing in the morning other than checking your tweets? After all, perhaps something monumental happened while you slept. Next it’s on to Facebook. Five notifications, 7 messages, and 10 new wall updates. Emails come last because let’s face it, who the hell uses email anymore? Some funny forwards in your inbox which you speed-read as you open Skype. Oh look, 20 people are online in your favourite group. You make idle chitchat and swap the obligatory viral video and “lulzy” image macro for a few minutes. Time for some WoW.

Your guild is moving in on a dungeon. As you descend deeper and deeper into the bowels of the earth you remain ever vigilant of your surroundings. You are a finely tuned fighting machine and a strategist extraordinaire. Wait. What the hell is your tank doing! NO! He’s pulling a Leroy Jenkins! The expletives fly liberally from your mouth interspersed with various pejoratives and epithets and of course the customary “noob” thrown in for good measure. In two minutes it’s all over. You are all dead. Your day is ruined. You wander off to fume and vent your frustration at the world in general over this gross injustice. That effing noob! The nerve of him; what the HELL was he thinking?!

You look up at your clock. Wow, one o’clock already. Being an internet person, you stayed up late the previous night and only got to sleep at around five AM. You woke up groggy and exhausted at eleven AM. You have just spent two hours on the internet in your pajamas and without breakfast. It’s time to take care of yourself. Hastily and sloppily you throw on some wrinkled clothes and grab some twinkies and mountain dew to eat while you return to the internet.

The internet is your home, the one place in the world where you truly feel at home. IRL just sucks. IRL is boring. The internet provides new experiences for you which you would never have IRL. Licking the confection sugar off your fingers you log into your favourite forums. Oh look, that moron has posted a response on your debate thread. That idiot, why does he even bother? He could never in his wildest dreams EVER know as much as you do, why does he keep coming back? Passionately and purposefully you type and post your response. This noob thinks morality is relative, HAH! You’ll show him! A quick Wikipedia link to Kant’s Moral Philosophy and you’re golden.

What’s this? The unveiling of the latest Apple product is available on Ustream? You click the link in the tweet you just received and for the next hour and a half you stare, mesmerized, at your monitor soaking up the greatness that is the iPhone 4. But of course no tech unveiling is complete without being logged into Techcrunch, Gismodo, and Endgadget. Already cross-analysis of the new product is beginning in the blogosphere. Dutifully you submit your opinions on any site that will allow it. iPhone, HAH! Android is the way to go! And of course you make your opinion known rather vociferously. Now that you have set the world straight with your unceasing reservoirs of wisdom and intelligence, you can catch up on some Cheezburger. LOL! Look at that kitteh! It’s peering down at you out of a square aperture in the ceiling! Sew Cyoot!

Time to check in on IRC. Some heated debate about the Apple product just unveiled, which you join. You pwn that argument and leave the channel an hour later feeling accomplished. Today is a good day. The rest of the day passes in a cloud of WoW, forums, Skype, chat-rooms, and tweets. Finally at five AM, utterly bereft of your last spark of energy, you collapse into your bed still dressed and sleep late into the morning.

A day in the life of an internet person.

One Response to “The Internet: Part I”
  1. Funny shit, Asheroo. 😀 I posted it on Twitter for you.

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